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25 October 2009 @ 04:20 pm
THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD.  

READ IT. IT IS EPIC, I SAY!

(IT'S FROM THE RANDUMB STORY GENERATOR. IT WOULD BETTER IF TOPH AND AANG LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER, BUT THIS WORKS TOO. XD)


   It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Aang, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely concerned, Aang backhanded a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he realized that his beloved Peen was missing!  Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Toph. Aang had known Toph for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were enticing ones.  Toph was unique. She was attractive though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Aang called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Toph picked up to a very nervous Aang. Toph calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks shudder before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually surreptitiously cringe *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Aang.  Why was Toph trying to distract Aang?  Because she had snuck out from Aang's with the Peen only six days prior.  It was a saucy little Peen... how could she resist?

   It didn't take long before Aang got back to the subject at hand: his Peen. Toph belched. Relunctantly, Toph invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Peen. Aang grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Toph realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Peen and she had to do it deftly. She figured that if Aang took the Jap Trap, she had take at least five minutes before Aang would get there.  But if he took the Appa?  Then Toph would be excessively screwed.

   Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Toph was interrupted by four stupid Sokkas that were lured by her Peen. Toph yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling angered, she fearlessly reached for her dull pencil and deftly slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief.  That's when she heard the Appa rolling up.  It was Aang.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late.  With a deft leap, Aang was out of the Appa and went sassily jaunting toward Toph's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Toph was panicking.  Not thinking, she tossed the Peen into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind her giraffe. Toph was exasperated but at least the Peen was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Toph sassily purred.  With a quick push, Aang opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive coke fiend in a best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Toph assured him. Aang took a seat vaguely close to where Toph had hidden the Peen. Toph yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted.  But Aang was distracted. As if it really mattered Toph noticed a annoying look on Aang's face. Aang slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Toph felt a stabbing pain in her prostate when Aang asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Peen right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A oafish look started to form on Aang's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet venomous koalas.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Aang nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Toph could react, Aang skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it.  The Peen was plainly in view.

   Aang stared at Toph for what what must've been ten seconds. A few unfulfilled decades later, Toph groped indiscriminately in Aang's direction, clearly desperate. Aang grabbed the Peen and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Toph let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Aang,' she rebuked. Toph always had been a little annoying, so Aang knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Toph did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at her or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he gripped his Peen tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Toph looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Aang. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Aang. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Toph walked over to the window and looked down. Aang was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Aang was struggling to make his way through the lemur-infested moor behind Toph's place. Aang had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral Sokkas suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Peen.  One by one they latched on to Aang.  Already weakened from his injury, Aang yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Sokkas running off with his Peen.

   But then God came down with His plucky smile and restored Aang's Peen. Feeling pleased, God smote the Sokkas for their injustice.  Then He got in His wannabe go-fast Civic and jettisoned away with the fortitude of  20 3-legged wallabies running from a enormous pack of 3-legged wallabies. Aang tripped with joy when he saw this. His Peen was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in five minutes his favorite TV show,  Avatar:the last airbender, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When man-eating capybaras meet ebola'). Aang was contented. And so, everyone except Toph and a few bloody glove-toting man-eating capybaras lived blissfully happy, forever after.

 
 
 
Caroline: azulahotbabysitter on October 25th, 2009 09:02 pm (UTC)
THIS IS THE MOST EPIC THING. I'VE EVER READ.